My Millenium Girl

I have walked to the far flung areas. I have met people from many different cultures, living styles and treasured a lifetime of memories with me. Every time I  sit to pen down my journey, I remember the travelogues, novels, articles where women and sex are spilled everywhere and I have never even made friend with person of opposite sex during all these times until this day when I talked to her. She is miraculous like my thoughts, like the waves of an ocean, like the soothing cold wind during the dusk. She sometimes appear like a mirage to me. She was always there; sometimes sitting in front of me, sometimes talking to me, chattering, making classes lively. This time, when I am writing, I question myself, I doubt myself, my feelings for her and I do wonder if my purpose after taking so much pains  to be here ends with her.

Yes, It was this beautiful afternoon  when the sky turned black and grey and the cold winds blew; I was relieved  of all the hot and humid weather when the soft droplets of drizzle fell on my hand outside my classroom windows; I was savoring each seconds of that time with joy when someone whispered to me from the back," So, you love rains?" I turned my head to see her. Her eyes sparkled when she spoke, her lips turned into a huge curve of beautiful smiles and the dark dotted freckle in her upper lips made her look like a Madonna of romance. I answered in a very low voice," Yes, I do."

"Master ji, you are too shy". She began to talk playfully.( Everyone in my circle called me Master ji.)

" No. My lady, You have not seen me speak yet."

" O'O, My lady..! When did I become your lady?" She was full of smiles. The conversation started and neither of us knew when to  end it. She loved rains, long long bike rides and adventures. She was living every second of her moments with grace, beauty and acceptance.

I once asked, " Should I write an article on you?"

 "What kind of article?"

"Well, your are liberal, open and people try to take advantage of you.They talk behind your back...." 

She interrupted in before I  could complete my sentence, " Wait, Wait, I know you write well. You are independent to write anything you want. But regarding what you have just said I really do not give a damn."

Yes, She is my millennium girl. She dares to live by her choices. She dreams, she does and she believes at what she does. I have never before met such a girl whose locus of control is so internal. She walks in the herd of wild boys and yet take the control of the reins. She smiles like a princess and orders like mistress. I  am telling you one more time, she is a phoenix who is re-borne everyday in her smiles, bathed in her happiness, soaked in her dreams and as beautiful as a dream. 

As she moves away from me to her destination, I miss her presence.

Discovering oneself..!!

 Its been months since I left home. It was a decree of my heart. It was a sort of a  self imprisonment of two years inside the four walls of a house, a few friends and a limited time for fresh air nearby Raaniban ( a forest name under Shivapuri National Park). The end week of July, my heart decided to roam freely, on my own. I wanted to be that same old guy who enjoyed every seconds of his life, who was carefree of the opinions of the world, who believed in oneself more than anything else, who believed in love and care for others and most important of all I was the one who was never exhausted of giving. At the time, I am typing these words, In this wonderland of India, I know that I am carving my own life. Before I realize anything, Its been months I have been here.

A rucksack, one sleeping bag, few clothes, few amounts of money, few phone numbers and a bus ticket; Was that enough for me to undertake this journey? No. More than anything else, I had faith in the journey I was making. The process of self discovery should start alone.

 The world has become too ambitious. People see competition everywhere and they keep pushing. But despite all the efforts and investment, how many people succeed? We all know the answer. Very few. What is the difference between those people who succeed and those who end up living in the miseries of their memories? May be the difference lies in the process of pushing oneself while exploring our potentials. The ones who have been successful always claimed to have listened to their hearts, to their hunches, to their innermost voice. Can we call this a process of self discovery?

I had everything there. My back was against my walls. I have the most loving and supportive parents, a brother who is always there behind me, friends I can count on. But the fire was missing.  The fiery me was long dead. The drive, the passion was no more. Once again, I needed to come out of my family cocoon. Before I knew which road lies ahead of me, I have already passed days, weeks and months here. The process of self discovery is a journey of belief.

I was leap frogging. I have started jumping. Its been months I have been walking  in the sweltering heat and the sudden downpours in the vast areas of Punjab. I have met families whom I can call my own, I have met new faces whom I can call my friends. I can get lost in a crowd without being noticed. I have to be  as humble as a hermit. I can at times make faces and  wink at the beautiful ladies who pass by without noticing me. I am living many facets of my life at the same time. I can grumble at no one, no one to complain with. I am learning to solve the problems at hand rather than waste my time. Yes, I have started jumping at feet lengths of self- love, self confidence, self discovery.

I do not know how long will I stay in India. My journey has just begun. There are vast areas of land to travel,  many mountains to trek, many people to meet. We all know future is uncertain. Living with joy among those uncertainties and making the most of my present is what shapes me. There is a long way to go....!!

म त खुशी चोर्छु....!

जीवन,जगतका बारेमा लेख्नेहरु दार्सनिक हुन भन्छन् मैल भेटेका मान्छेहरु । कोहि यिनलाई पागलहरु भन्छन् । म त यिनमा आँफैलाई पाउंछु । म Stephen Covey का  शब्दहरुलाई घोलेर पीउंछु ,सुक्रातका कथनहरु उघ्राऊंछु,गीताका बाणीहरु ओकल्छु, बुद्धका बचनहरु समाउछु अनी यिनै पागलहरु जस्तै मुर्छा परि हाँस्छु । सुखमा नी हाँसेकै छु,दुखमा रमाएकै छु,फुर्किएर मन दुख्दा पनि नाचेकै छु ।  मलाई हाँसेको देख्दा कतिले कति दंग पर्न सक्या भने, कतिले लाज पचाएको भने ,कतीले सरम नभएको भने,कतीले भावनाको कदर नभएको भने अनी कतिले कस्तो चोर जस्तो हाँसेको भने !  म त चोर हो नै । म त खुशी चोर्छु ।  

एक इमान्दर पिताको छोरो म, एक कर्तब्यनिस्ट अधिक्रितको दाई म अनी ब्रहमा, बुद्ध, सरस्वोती र लक्ष्मी समाहित भएको देवी स्वरुपा आमाकी छोरो म; म कसरी पैसा चोरु, म कसरी अपराध गरुं ?त्यसैले कसैले सबुत प्रमाण नपाउने चोर बने, कुनै कानुनले रोक्न नसक्ने चोर बने । म त खुशी चोर बने ।

 जीवन र जगतका बिषयहरु हरेक ब्यक्ति माथि रहेको  नद जस्तै अनन्त छ । त्यसको न चुरो छ, न त चुली नै । विज्ञान बटुवा हो,यसको शरणमा बेला बेलामा हान्निएर पुग्दछ अनी कनिकुथी पस्कन्छ ।  ती पस्किएका कुराहरु सोध बन्छन्,खोज बन्छन्, तीनले अविस्कार गर्छन् अनी त्यस अविस्कारले मानव जीवनको भोगाइको अनुभब बदलिदिन्छ ।  तर दर्शन बद्लिन्न । संस्कार बदलिन्छ । व्याख्या गर्ने दृष्‍टिकोण बदलिन्छ । ती पगलका दर्शनहरु दुरुस्तै रहिरहन्छन युगौं-युगसम्म ।  ती मेरा पुज्य पागलहरु,दार्सनिकहरु,गुरुहरु भन्छन् जीवन सत्य भएर जीउने,जीवन खुशीले जीउने अनी खुशी आँफै भित्र निहित कुरा हो । 

  खुशी हरेक भित्रको निहित कुरा हो भने,संसारमा दुखी किन यति धेरै उम्रिएका,जीवनहरु किन यति धेरै पिल्सिएका,मनहरु यति धेरै के का लागि गुम्सिएका? जति बिकसित समाज,उती जटिल अनी दुखी आत्माहरु; प्रेतले सताएका जस्ता!समाजहरु सुख,खुसी बिहिन कंकालहरु बन्दै छन् ।   म दंग परेर हेर्छु बाटोमा पत्नीसँग ठुस्किदै हिंडेको पतीलाई; म अचम्मित भएर हेर्छु नाकको पोहोरा फुलाउंदै आफ्नो प्रेमीसँग रिसाएर ठिम-ठिम हिंडेकी राम्री प्रेमिकालाई; म कान ठाडो  पार्दै सुन्छु ल्यान्ड क्रुइसेर (land cruiser)  भित्र  बसेर फोनमा आफ्ना प्रियजनलाई हप्काइरहेकी एक महिलालाई; म अवाक भएर हेर्छु dendrite सुंघिरहेका सडकका केटा-केटीहरुलाई;जीवन जीउन पैसा मात्रैले पुग्दैन,न की प्रेम, सम्बन्धहरु, सुबिधाहरु  :जीवन जीउन त यिनलाई सहि मात्रमा मिसाउने कला,दक्षता,कुसलता चाहिन्छ ।    

  म न त कुनै दार्सनिक हो,न पागल, न कबी, न लेखक ; मेरा न पत्रीका छन्, न प्रकाशन । म न त कारमै हिंड्छु, न कोहि एकलाई प्रेमनै गर्न सकेको छु । मेरो जीवन त कपासका भुवा जस्ता ती काला-सेता बादलहरु जस्तो छ जस्को छिद्राहरुबाट किरणहरु निस्कन्छन्; आशाका,भरोसाका,सुर्यका,सौर्यका,उत्साहका किरणहरु । जीवनका आरोह अबरोहहरुमा,उतार चढावहरुमा म ती बादलका छिद्राहरुमा खुसिका कल्पद्रुमहरु उमार्छु । 

अरु ब्यक्तिहरु खुशी खोज्न पीउँछन्,खुसी हुन सम्बन्धहरु रोज्छन्,अवसरहरु कुर्छन- म त चोर्छु । देखेजती,भेटेजती ,पाएजती,सकेजती खुशी चोर्छु ।   म अलिकति खुशी तरकारी बेचेर दंग पर्दै खर्पन हल्लाउंदै हिडिरहेको ज्यापुको चोर्छु,अली अली खुशी फोनमा मस्किदै केटालाई गफ दी'रहेकी केटीको मुस्कानबाट चोर्छु,टन्न दुध भात खान पाएपछी रमाउदै कुस्ती खेल्ने मेरा बिरालाहरुसित सापटी थोरै खुशी लिन्छु,म त सारौं जस्तै बुत्रुक्क खुशीले उफ्रिदै हिडिरहेकी क्यान्सर पीडित केटी मेरो कुरा सुनेर खित्का छाडी हाँस्छे- थोरै खुशी उस्को सुटुक्क चोर्छु ।  हरपल हर क्षण म त खुशीको  पोका-पुन्तुरा बोकेकेा मानिस,पक्षी,जनावर,प्रक्रितीको पर्खाइमा हुन्छु । थोरै थोरै खुशी सबको चोरि म धेरै खुशी हुन्छु ।                         

      

Being Aware

I woke up a bit early today.I did not quite feel like meditating or going for an exercise. Instead, i chose to meander around the surrounding paths of Raniban (forest name). The lush green forest with the chirping of birds flying for their first meal was quite a paradisiac. Lots of muslim men walking around, a beautiful humming sound coming from the nearby monastry, the echoes of the people doing yog asanas,Jyapus in their traditional attire with kharpan full of vegetables walking towards the morning market,people from distant places lining up in the sprout for natural water:ah! it was worth a walk and fulfilling than any other task. I could still hear the faint roar of a Leopard from the midst of that jungle.

Every morning was like this.I haven't felt this for a long time. I was too busy trying to maintain the balance in my life to feel it.For some months, i have been obsessive to achieve.There are so many like me. In fact with urbanisation and growing nuclear families, many people and family feel this mundane city life and loneliness.Eventually, the moral climate and the quality of life of modern denizens is degrading day by day just as was mine.The problem gets deeper when we keep holding to these feelings,towards people and become irresponsible to ourself. How many hours do we spend in facebook, twitter or virtual world? How much time do we keep thinking about people who really do not care about us? How much time do we spend in remorse and regret? When was the last time we fretted about our supervisor? When was the last time we smiled?

There are hundreds of questions i want each one of you to ask yourself.We have become too busy to establish a career,a legacy, relationship and so on.We keep running after everything else except ourselves. We are on our toes 24*7; to be extra-ordinary,successful,famous,inspiring.When was the last time you inspired a thought and worked on yourself?Success requires a sound mind and a sound health for general people.Have you ever cross checked your thinking patterns? How aware are you?

Yogas, asanas,meditations have become very popular campaign these days.People doing these are increasing day by day.This does help people come out of tensions,obsessions,addictions and many other physical and emotional benefits are accrued.It has helped me too.I was obsessive about a girl;a whiner of my past relationship,i kept blaming her for all the chaos in my life.I forgot that i was creator of those thoughts and not her.Meditation helped me feel good and just like other meditators i also felt i had become more aware until the day i met a monk.

This monk from Sao Paulo had travelled to monasteries of Ladakh,India before he came to Nepal.I recall the meeting with him as a cherubic encounter.He told me during the conversation that i had become a dog.I was not letting meditation help me.I had become aware of the feelings that i feel are harmful. I was welcoming familiar people,like minded people just like a dog which wags its tail to the smell it is familiar with.I was still not ready to accept my past and welcome that change to my present.But what about accepting the people and circumstances as they are?Awareness is about growing beyond your control and accepting things with the fact that they are different. Awareness is about asking the girl who does not like you for forgiveness and accepting her as she is.Awareness is about welcoming an angry man with a smile and letting him smile with you once he gets over that emotion.

Acceptance is the biggest lesson i have learnt.Accepting the fact that the rat race to success,money,fame,legacy never ends.All these are neutral means and they only enhance the pattern of life we choose to live. living an ordinary life hetherto is the most difficult for a human being.A life wherein your experiences with age and circumstances improvise you,furnish you. The monk taught me how valuable my life is. He does not regret his life but he missed my life. He missed the feeling of falling in love, the feeling that you are dating the most beautiful lady when she comes smiling in her red saffron kurta salwar in your first date; the grief of heartbreak,jealousy and the move to come out of all these. Indeed,pain beautifies happiness and longing for it; just like the darkness signifies the coming dawn.

Take a break form the monotony of life and look into yourself. The nuclear families in the urban areas need to make their community a family.Create women groups and arrange bhajan ( religious chores often bring people together) at your neighborhood. Create cooperatives and increase family and financial relations in your community.Invite them for tea and celebrate the joys of marriage,bratabandh, teej together.Give a lift to your neighbors,their kids and spouses. This is what is common in my community.

People lost in the virtual world of chatting,facebook, twitter, Mig33, blogging: come out of it once and smile with the real people. Your parents, your friends,neighbors haven't seen your smiling faces for a long time.Stop being angry at your brother for the sound of music coming out from his room while you write down the list of your favorite music in facebook. Join the wedding celebration of your relatives and neighbors; help them,congratulate them instead of blogging about how happy you really are.For all those young lovers and workaholics, it is good to compliment your colleagues and praise them and compliment them.But it is bad if you are complaining about them.Bad for yourself. Do not mix your work with your friends. Be just with them when you are with them. When you are with your partners and spouse, just be with them.This is ordinary life.This is living and inspiring to live.Accept life as naturally as it comes to you,live it the way any animal or plant has lived and the people running in the race will stop,grasp their breath,wonder and compliment at the life you are living.

This day i Celebrate.....

"Bhanu Jayanti" has always been a festival for me.I celebrate this day every year with more enthusiasm and joy.This year also i am more than happy with the increasing readers and writers in the Nepali literature.Like every other past celebrations, this year too, i wrote a poem dedicated to him,our first poet, Bhanu Bhakta Acharya.Every year at this day, i garner a different experience.

I always wait for this day with impatience because i have a story to tell.I was a shy guy with a greater inferiority complex than other peope i have met till date.I was even afraid to ask for the permission to go to toilet with my teacher forget about asking questions and communicating with them.I have never in my life shared my feelings with anyone although they are reflected in my writings. It was a far cry for me.But i used to read a lot of novels.The first novel i read was at the age of nine.It was "Kumari Shova", and author is "Ramesh Bikal", if i am not wrong.After that there is no looking back to my reading habit.I would read all day and night  when it came to novels. Do not assume that i am studious student. I hated text books. After i finished reading a book, i used to write a story or a poem that novel would inspire me to.

One evening,a day before Bhanu Jayanti,we were playing in the rain water splashing mud at each other with gum boots beside our hostel. My Nepali teacher, Kumar Parajuli called me. I was summoned to the Nepali Department Head's Office.Dhurba Basyal sir was the department head. He looked at me with awe and asked Kumar sir," Can this guy handle this program for whole day single handedly?" I was freaking out with fear and nervousness. A smokey heat went down my spine and blood pressure went up. I was in red and blues.My teacher with such calmness, confidence and poise reiterated that i am the best candidate to master the ceremony.I didn't know what to do.So, I prepared the list of to do's during my study hour.That night was a special night because for the first and last time in my life,i worked so hard. I praticed in the bathroom till 11 O'clock.When i was planning to retire to bed, i saw one of my fren coming through a dorm.He had a huge smile in his face when he saw me. Let's get down and run after jackels, it will freshen you up and boost your confidence.So, we went down with pebbles to run after jackels that used to cry out all through night in the peripheri of our hostels.During that campaign all i had to do was cry out loud ,"It will be the best day".

The day came and the day ended also.It indeed was my day.Can you imagine the mass i was facing?This day used to be one of the biggest one day festival at Birendra Sainik Awasiya Mahavidyalaya after Annual day.The day had witnessed guests like Natikaji, Shila Bahadur Moktan and other famous people in it's past.The audience in front of me was apporximately one thousand in numbers.Every teacher lauded me and patted me.That was when i learnt it is okay to speak out.There is nothing to loose.Speak out from your heart and people will listen to you.From that day on,I never had to look back at that poor, helpless child in me.That is why,this day, i celebrate the most for being the real me................. 

Failing

Failing is painful no matter how positive i am. Past few years of my life have been a juncture of failures. I have failed  in meeting the expectations of my friends and families. I have failed in keeping my relationship intact. I have failed in my own eyes.Poor me!

I have done everything i could to keep a big smile on my face.I keep going through Shiva Khera's book "You Can Win",which revolves around the vicinities of attitude in life. Lately, I have subscribed to "The Secret Scrolls" by Rhonda Byrne and Robin Sharma's inspirational news letters.But the gestapos of failures are clever enough to see which direction i am fleeing to and they are successful in capturing me time and again.

I look back at my life. I have spent many days in trying to trace the route that brought me here but to no avail. I have often grated my memories of those halcyon days of my sophomore years in college with my failures.It is even more agonizing.Yes, those days when my lectures lauded me for my creativity,my juniors gave me five and asked for cigrattes as a treat. Those were the days when someone would call me for hours to say how much she loved me.Those were the days when she would cry to know how much i loved her. We shared many days and nights of intimacy and possessiveness and cried together out of love for each other.  But nothing is left with me after she went away from my life. I have become lonely. Retrospection is even more painful.

I need to take doses of motivational movies and books time and again. A book and a movie cannot help  me withstand my failures for more than a week.Being alone has become the best proven practice for my emotional stability. I often console myself that to suffer is my 'karma'.So, i should embrace pain. It is like treating a migraine.

These days my favorite motivational tool has been a movie 'Mongol'. The protagonist of the movie,'Temudgin'  lives a life of failures. His father was khan who was killed by his own man second to him in command. Then he keep running all his life to escape death from their hands. His house was burnt and his wife was taken away by the 'Merkits'.

I sorted out some similarities from the movie to my life. It was comforting. Just like the old man at the enemy's camp who fed him,like the monk who took his message of being alive to his wife borte; i have my father who stands beside and feed me with inspirations, i have my brother and friends who believe that one day i can win and my mother who alike Borte has an unwavering faith in my potentials.Temudgin's final war to unite the Mongols was with his brother,Jamukha who had helped him win back Borte from the Merkits. By the grace of Lord Tengri, thunder, darkness and rain began to overppower the sky above them. Jamukha's army kneeled in the ground and Temugdin won the war .

When Jamukha was presented in front of Tamudgin as prisoner of war. He asked," All Mongols fear the thunder, but not you?' "I had no place to hide from the thunder.So, i wasn't afraid anymore", replied Tamugdin. Similar is my fate.I have grown much much stronger than i knew.No more do i fear failures. Failures can no more inundate my world.Destiny is already written and i am working harder and harder each day in building the bridge to reach there. Failing is painful but i can smile and say how happy i am for her when i will encounter my ex girlfriend with someone else.Just like Tamudgin,one more time i am ready to fail so that i can bounce back strong  and say it is painful with a smile.