LET IT GO

I had long, curly, shabby hair. I was a loner. I hardly talked to anybody. I sat alone in my desk and books from the Library were my friends. Can you believe it? A post graduate student with all these traits. But that changed when a classmate took faster strides along with me and invited to his room. A new digital music system with old songs and interesting things about his past over a cup of tea. It was one and a half years back and today I bade him the final Goodbye.

Goodbyes aren't easy. They have never been easy for me. A decade long life of school in a boarding house earned me life long friends and almost everyone were teary as we departed. I wonder, how did my parents cope with it? How do people fill that vacuum inside them? As years keep passing by, we become used to losing. May be deep inside our heart, we keep saying "LET IT GO".

At an early age, I stayed away from my parents. As time progressed, I learnt to enjoy the company of friends. Want to dress, eat, live the way I wanted could never come true. There were limitations, rules and regulations, the violation of which had severe consequences. During graduating years, I learnt to keep personal secrets from my parents. I bunked classes to a date which ended with bitter memories. My parents knew about it, but they also thought to, "Let it go". Life was teaching me lessons when another girl, I fell for, My MUSE suddenly said, she is getting engaged. It is as if loosing is what we are here for. The ultimate purpose of being borne as a living being. Every circumstances tells you to let go, keep quiet and silently face the music of life. Yes, I kept quiet. It is even more painful. It is suffocating, but I am living through it everyday. A long time ago, my younger brother used to put on a quote, " When the going gets tough, the tough get going". To precisely add to it, I lost my Grandfather.

I am not ruthless. I am not heartless but time has numbed me. May be my parents cry in their solitude. May be my gal also felt the pain but as a rational being, she found better options. Is that how Life should always be? Should we always be suppressed by failures over the nature of life?

Have I lost only? What about the gains, I have made in Life? Do they outweigh what I have lost in due course of time? Ah! there are so many questions, that cannot be answered. May be because, there are more questions that will pop up as we keep living. It's the fate of being a mortal being.

I therefore bade my friend, a simple goodbye, as we hugged each other tightly and I said to myself," LET IT GO". On this day of holi ( festival of colors), Life splashed another color in my Life.

Love and sweater : knit together...!

'Oye choti (meant to say you are too young)! how was your day?' I Watsapped my friend.

She sent a picture of a beautiful sunset. She was standing alone." We had a fight. I ended up watching the sunset alone."

Ah! It's been years that I haven't embraced someone with love. Have I been so unconvincing in these years to my opposite sex? Well, I do miss those moments when I would walk my girl to home and suddenly hid beside a tree in the road to kiss her. Here, the next day, I sit in front of a handsome Afghan guy who happens to be my friend and his lover preaching about the advantages of  a kiss. Oh..! how both of them blush as I narrated my past inside the University's cafe. They love my story. They fall in love with each other again.

Many as they talk express falling in love as an irrational act. There's no plausible reason to fall in love. It happens for  them. But for me it's different. It has always been different. Love starts with the handful of thoughts about a girl you imagine. These feelings are soft balls of emotions like a beautiful red yarn. Like a beautiful knitter, both individuals start off from the selvages ( the side edges).It is at least how mine started. We were two lonely souls sharing to each other; the thoughts loosened like the threads of the yarn and the knitting began. It was a flat knitting.

Our past did hurt us. We would keep rambling about our experiences. She would be in tears. I would caress her and pat her.After a short while, she would smile back at me with compassion. This is to purl all the stitches on the wrong side. There were rough patches in that short journey of life with her. We too fought and went crazy. It was time to double knit.

After years of break up, we have come to terms with each other. I recollect all those beautiful memories she gave me to cherish forever. And one night, before the valentine's day, I wanted to wish her for warm hugs and love . As I did so, one action of my life came to a full circle. That night, she told me about the sweater she had knitted. It had beautiful edges and borders. Knitted with love for the self, her inner self had outgrown in many ways.

That was my story some years back as meditative and blissful as knitting a sweater. When you create love, you re-create a world. A world where the barriers between minds end and emerges a unison that is physical ,irrational and often implausible directed by the rational mind. Love therefore is rational, a process to evolve that makes living worthwhile.

Happy Valentine's day everyone...!!

स्मृतिपटमा विलिन .....

मलाई कुममा बोकेर हजुरबा हिड्दै हुनुहुन्थ्यो। म चाही डरले उनलाई भुत्ल्याउदै , लात्ताले हिर्काउदै थिए।
 हाय जिन्दगि ! स्म्रितिपटमा बिस्तारै विलिन हुदै छ; जसै उनी समयको नोक- झोकमा विलिन भए।  बस् जिन्दगी यत्तिनै रहेछ, आउनु र विलिन हुनु।  गाह्रो त याद लिएर बाच्नेहरुलाइ हुने रहेछ। 

म घर पुग्नेबित्तिकै आगनमा आमा आउनु भो। आँखा रसीलो पार्दै म्वाई खाएर सुम्सुम्याउनु भो। त्यो अलौकिक क्षणपछी म हजुरबुवाको कोठामा गए। ठुलो  हजुरबा , हजुरआमा , काकीहरु  सबै थिए।  ओर पर छर छिमेकीहरु आउने जाने क्रम चलिरहेथ्यो। दुई महिनासम्म थला परेको,कुप्रिएको शरीर, पानी भरिएर सुन्निएको आँखा, अथाह पीडामा पलेटी कसी बसेका मेरा हजुरबा। 

"माथि हेर्नुस् त बुवा ,उ जेठो नाति आयो। सुदीप आयो। " मेरो बुवाले भन्नुभो। 

"सुदीप आयो भन्दै ,बल गरेरै शिर उठाएर मतिर हेर्नुभो।" आँखाबाट आँसुका दानाहरु झार्दै मलाई समात्नु भो। "मलाई छोडेर नजा है अब ",हजुरबाले भन्नुभो।  

माथिल्लो टोलमा यो गाउँको वीर ढल्यो अब भने 'रे। उनी रहिञ्जेल्सम्म आगनभरी आगन्तुकहरु, सुभेच्छुकहरुको कमी भएन। चौतारामा संगै उक्लिने उनका दाई  अब एक्लै जानेछन।  घर घरमा पुगी सोध्ने, खोज्ने एउटा सहृदयी पात्र उनलाई जान्नेहरुले गुमाए। तर मैले सत्य गुमाए।  एउटा सिधा साधा इमानदार कर्मयोगी गुमाए। मेरो भाइले त एउटा मुटुको टुक्रा गुमायो।  मेरो परिवारले आड लाउने भित्तो गुमाए। 

"पार्वती, मेरा यस्ता राम्रा छोरा -बुहारी, नातिहरु छन्। यत्तिका संपत्ति छ ,मैले कसरी छोडेर जाने होला। " मेरो आमालाई बोलाएर बिस्तारै मलिनो स्वरमा  भन्नुभो। मनुष्य चोला यिनै इच्छा आकाँन्क्ष्याहरुको  घम्सा-घम्सी रहेछ फगत्। 

आज तेर्हौ पुण्य तिथीको दिन उनी सम्झनाका पत्रहरु चिर्दै छन् मेरो मस्तिस्कमा। धेरै सपनाहरु ओइलाए ,मुर्झाए। उनी अब एउटा अद्रिस्य सपना भए।

 बिहान एक्लै हिड्दा सेतो तन्ना देख्छु , तुसारोको। जती अघी बढेपनि बस् सेतै देख्छु। जिन्दगी'नि त्यस्तै भएछ।  हा ! सबै अदृस्य स्मृतिमा विलिन भैरहेछ।