Thursday, March 31, 2011

The Fake Diary

It was a beautiful evening. I saw her at Sundhara and we even exchanged few words. She has avoided me for almost a year.
"she still loves you". My friend asserted.
"Don't be stupid".
"Did you look at her eyes? It was moist and she was trying hard to appear comfortable".
"I am talking no more on this. I am leaving". So, i took my leave alone atop the small hill of Halchowk. The wind was hitting hard on my face.I am familiar with it, it possess that same aroma. It has never changed from the time i have been here during the time i felt lonely, sad,irritated and desperate out of emptiness within me. It's aroma has always filled me with love,insanity and creativity.The void within me is resonating now and i smile and thank it for being there.

I was desperate to see her.But she was right in front me and i don't remember looking at her.All these years, I have been contemplating my love for her.I have been so much fascinated by my feelings for her that i have forgotten how she feels for me.Isn't that absurd?Isn't it madness that i have renounced joy for so many months. I have robbed myself of my feelings, or endless moments and seconds of ephemeral joy. Why is joy so momentary? Maybe I am right if i say nothing is eternal or another way round, everything is short lived.

'So, love is not eternal. Neither is she'- I whispered to the wind. I could feel that it was listening to me. It gently caressed my hair,the way my mother does when i am tired and sit by her side. Suddenly, she does not become important to me.I feel as light as the wind. I reassured myself that I should not live in either my past or my future.

The secret of life is not in the past.Future can neither be revealed.The complex words of my diary, the books i have read and the movies i watch do not reveal my life.I remember the words of 'tathagat' wherein he stresses that our attachment towards the things corrupt us not the things themselves.Love has always been there in abundance. My expectations were in the wrong place.

Just like Santiago says,"Maktub". It is written.I should just listen to my heart and move on.The road is long with ups and downs, it is dusty and smooth and there are bends. But i have enjoy every bit of it. I deserve it. Destiny is there to guide me.
May be the wind has read my mind.It went off as if to leave me at peace. I sit down and open my diary.

I have been content in my past.I begin to turn the pages of my diary.Every page, each words appear dull to me. They are lifeless. It is against the nature. I have never seen my Cats cry and complain. I have never felt the plants in my garden complain. They just live it sharing their blossoms in the spring.The dairy suddenly appears fake to me.I am burying it among the sands and move on to explore the life that i have. The journey has just begun..............

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