Failing

Failing is painful no matter how positive i am. Past few years of my life have been a juncture of failures. I have failed  in meeting the expectations of my friends and families. I have failed in keeping my relationship intact. I have failed in my own eyes.Poor me!

I have done everything i could to keep a big smile on my face.I keep going through Shiva Khera's book "You Can Win",which revolves around the vicinities of attitude in life. Lately, I have subscribed to "The Secret Scrolls" by Rhonda Byrne and Robin Sharma's inspirational news letters.But the gestapos of failures are clever enough to see which direction i am fleeing to and they are successful in capturing me time and again.

I look back at my life. I have spent many days in trying to trace the route that brought me here but to no avail. I have often grated my memories of those halcyon days of my sophomore years in college with my failures.It is even more agonizing.Yes, those days when my lectures lauded me for my creativity,my juniors gave me five and asked for cigrattes as a treat. Those were the days when someone would call me for hours to say how much she loved me.Those were the days when she would cry to know how much i loved her. We shared many days and nights of intimacy and possessiveness and cried together out of love for each other.  But nothing is left with me after she went away from my life. I have become lonely. Retrospection is even more painful.

I need to take doses of motivational movies and books time and again. A book and a movie cannot help  me withstand my failures for more than a week.Being alone has become the best proven practice for my emotional stability. I often console myself that to suffer is my 'karma'.So, i should embrace pain. It is like treating a migraine.

These days my favorite motivational tool has been a movie 'Mongol'. The protagonist of the movie,'Temudgin'  lives a life of failures. His father was khan who was killed by his own man second to him in command. Then he keep running all his life to escape death from their hands. His house was burnt and his wife was taken away by the 'Merkits'.

I sorted out some similarities from the movie to my life. It was comforting. Just like the old man at the enemy's camp who fed him,like the monk who took his message of being alive to his wife borte; i have my father who stands beside and feed me with inspirations, i have my brother and friends who believe that one day i can win and my mother who alike Borte has an unwavering faith in my potentials.Temudgin's final war to unite the Mongols was with his brother,Jamukha who had helped him win back Borte from the Merkits. By the grace of Lord Tengri, thunder, darkness and rain began to overppower the sky above them. Jamukha's army kneeled in the ground and Temugdin won the war .

When Jamukha was presented in front of Tamudgin as prisoner of war. He asked," All Mongols fear the thunder, but not you?' "I had no place to hide from the thunder.So, i wasn't afraid anymore", replied Tamugdin. Similar is my fate.I have grown much much stronger than i knew.No more do i fear failures. Failures can no more inundate my world.Destiny is already written and i am working harder and harder each day in building the bridge to reach there. Failing is painful but i can smile and say how happy i am for her when i will encounter my ex girlfriend with someone else.Just like Tamudgin,one more time i am ready to fail so that i can bounce back strong  and say it is painful with a smile.